Is it nice to destroy someone?

4 behaviors that destroy our personal relationships

Last update: April 07, 2019

Sometimes the way we express our thoughts and behavior leaves a lot to be desired. We're gruff, rude, and disregard other people's feelings. In fact, some of these behaviors can be so painful that they end up ruining friendships, partnerships, and even families. But what are these behaviors that break personal relationships and make us uncomfortable?

We are hereby specifically referring to criticism, contempt, counterattack and complete withdrawal. One could say that these behaviors are a “murder of honesty” because when we show them we initiate a leap into the void as a result of a misunderstood sincerity. In addition, honesty does not conflict with tact, delicacy and restraint. You can always say things in different ways without our words hurting anyone.

Below, we'll go into more detail on what these behaviors are that can damage personal relationships so much.

The destruction of our relationship

When someone answers us rudely or disrespectfully to an innocent comment, they involuntarily activate the emotional part of our brain. But not in a positive way, but in a negative way. So this activation boils down to one of two actions, both of which aim to protect us: flee or fight.

When we feel attacked, hurt, or offended by someone we trust, we usually choose to ignore that comment. But we may also respond to it when we are angry - and even more intensely than we would to someone else. How we choose depends on the level of anger or hostility we are feeling at the moment.

Behaviors that destroy relationships are characterized by anger and contempt, and sometimes resentment.

The effect that such a comment has on us is usually the same: anger, anger and dislike of the person who made it. If this person takes the same stance every time we see them and verbally attacks us, we will eventually get tired of them. Nobody likes to surround themselves with someone who is constantly causing discomfort. This is one reason why we will choose to end the relationship with this person in the long term.

The critical behavior

“You always leave everything lying around”, “You never wash your hands before you eat”, “You are always late, nobody can take that” are examples of poorly constructive criticism. In addition to not being accompanied by a substitute act proposal, are phrases that contain resounding adverbs and judgments such as “always” and “never”. They are expressions that leave no room for understanding or flexibility.

Now However, criticism can also be converted into a constructive suggestion and thus turn into a less hurtful comment. In this way we avoid discussions, misunderstandings and the deterioration of our relationships.

To the previous examples we could perhaps add: “If you leave everything lying around, I'll have to keep it myself. And I already have enough to do. I would like you to help me. " Or: “If you are late, you will expose me. I don't want to have to apologize every time that happens. "

The contemptuous behavior

While criticism is mostly expressed orally, Contempt can be manifested in two modalities: through gestures and verbally. The first variant is a little more subtle, but just as destructive.

Let's give a few examples of this. A group of friends have agreed to meet again for dinner after a long time in which they have not seen each other. One of them presents himself to the others with such a high degree of self-actualization that instead of being happy for that person, the others show a disgusted face. And then there's this boss who, every time one of his workers speaks, turns his gaze to the sky as if asking for divine help to end the conversation. Both cases are although it is not very noticeable, very hurtful to the protagonists.

The language of sarcasm is another form of contempt. It is a form of covert aggression that, misunderstood or done at the wrong time, can cause a lot of damage.

There is no greater disdain than appreciation.

Counterattack and total withdrawal: conflict-increasing behavior

Sometimes we believe that when we are attacked we only have two options: counterattack or flee. When we choose the former, we often react impulsively, uttering the first thought that occurs to us. And this is usually not a pleasant one. It in turn causes discomfort in the other person, which can lead to us being attacked by them. In this way, both interlocutors are drawn into a dangerous vicious circle that is difficult to break.

The counterattack is one of the behaviors that destroys relationships. A trap that, if you don't know how to use it, can snap shut on you. This leads to emotional wounds that are difficult to heal.

On the contrary to total retreat is like surrendering on the battlefield. It is the result of a violent power struggle between two people. After weeks or months of persistent attacks, criticism or ridicule, one of the two participants decides to give up: He is now looking for a dialogue and no more confrontation.

This attitude in turn irritates the other party, as it is still waiting for an attack to fuel its own anger. If she no longer receives a hostile response, she becomes angry, screaming and desperate. There are people who do not know how to respect these moments of calm in others and instead of waiting, they re-inflame the conflict with their behaviors and attitudes.

As we can see, neither the behaviors that destroy personal relationships nor their consequences are pleasant. We know that we are unlikely to seek friendship from anyone who criticizes us in a non-constructive way. Or who keeps complaining about us.

Sometimes it is better to stop on the path, take a deep breath and be aware of what is happeningthan being in a rush and ignoring the consequences of our actions.

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