Why do people suddenly separate

Why is it when we suddenly feel nothing at the end of the relationship?

And suddenly it's easy Nothing more.

Anyone who has already had a few relationships may know the feeling. Where there was so much closeness in the beginning, in the end there is often nothing more than the desire to finally end it. You feel powerless, constantly switching back and forth between listlessness and drive.

Although you had a short or long intense time together, laughed together, cried together, experienced together: then you just want to get out, flee, that's it, just get away from your partner. At this point there is usually too much broken to be able to repair it - we think.

Perhaps there is more slumbering in us than we would like

Where does the seemingly sudden turnaround come from? "The reasons can be different," says relationship expert and couple counselor Eric Hegmann. If the relationship lasted anywhere from six to twelve months, he would check that what the couple describes as "no more feelings" was not just the end of the euphoric period of being in love.

(Also on ze.tt: How do you manage to stay together happily?)

"Anyone who has this experience more often could check whether there is a pattern." And with whom the situation is currently occurring, two specific questions can initially be asked:

  • Could it be that I believe that the initial euphoria in the relationship has to last a lifetime for it to really be "love"?"This is nonsense, this is Hollywood," says Hegmann. Anyone who feels slowed down by the new rhythm of relationships is likely to chase after the wrong ideas and misunderstand the real causes of the lack of happiness in relationships.
  • Do I have an undetected fear of commitment in me? Does it really happen all of a sudden and you would like to break up immediately, may simply not have been ready for a new relationship - or is generally afraid to commit. “This fear then pulls the emergency brake at some point in the relationship,” says Hegmann. People then like to focus on supposed mistakes or potential for conflict.

In both situations, the solution initially seems simple: end the partnership. "Because then suddenly every other relationship appears better than your own," says Hegmann. Often there is also the inner conviction that you are better off with another person.

In my experience, people break up today less because they are not happy, but because they think they could be happier with another partner. "

But are the feelings that were there at the beginning really simple? path? “Of course there is a situation where feelings disappear,” says Hegmann. But even then, the separation does not necessarily have to be the right one. “Women often say they would like more attention and feel taken for granted. Men usually say they lack recognition and praise, although sex is a sign of such recognition for them. "

It doesn't have to be the end of the line

In such situations, instead of radical solutions, Hegmann would always recommend couples to examine exactly what change has occurred in life that goes hand in hand with the new feelings. Actually, there are always reasons for this that can be found out with these questions:

  • What changed in the family and in the job? Even a milestone birthday could lead to alienation from one another. “Everything that poses the question of the meaning of life.” Then one could ask why and to what extent the changed circumstances suddenly no longer seem to unite with the relationship.
  • Do I have wishes and hopes that I would like to fulfill - and am I afraid that I will no longer be able to fulfill them in the partnership?

Unfortunately, in such situations it is often the partner who is to blame. He supposedly slows down - because he has and is pursuing his own goals. One solution could then be to completely reorganize yourself as a couple, to create new freedom and freedom for your own plans and goals.

[Also on ze.tt: When honesty is important in relationships - and when not]

Incidentally, those who suddenly end the relationship and then, strengthened by family and friends, say to themselves “Wasn't the right one for me anyway”, is making it too easy for themselves, says Hegmann. Saying you have run out of emotions can also be a convenient way to avoid heartache.

“This is more like the partner's explanation for getting out of a breakup without feeling guilty. Something was there, maybe just sexual attraction that didn't last long. ”But love doesn't just go away like a blown flame.