Why is my life going nowhere
No place in this world - I don't belong anywhere
For a long time I wrestled with myself whether I wanted to answer you at all or not. But as you can see, I decided to do it, even though you sent me out on terribly thin ice with your cry for help, which I am not ready to think about myself.
The previous speakers have already said everything that is important and correct, and I cannot add anything new to that. That is why I can only express my deepest pity for you for the grave loss of your father. I feel your great pain through your loss and that you feel so lonely and abandoned in this world. I wish I could take it from you or share it with you.
Finally, I would like to underline what has already been mentioned, that you should better let your brother go. Because the way you describe the matter, with this possessive snake at his side, you will harm yourself more than you can do. I can only hope that he will notice what he has about you and one day turn to you again on his own. I also find it unforgivable that he does not register how much you are suffering. The only alternative I can still see, and I'm not sure whether it is wise to say it: Talk to your brother about it in private. But I'm too afraid that if he doesn't see it, you will destroy more than you achieve. That's why I don't know what to advise you to do.
I think you’re absolutely right about that ... it’s just so hard and difficult. My cousin invited me to the 2nd holiday dinner at short notice. I didn't want to say no, or of course it was like a kind of straw for me that at least this invitation came. But now I regret having accepted her ... This cousin and his wife are closest friends of my brother and his partner - so the situation will be that I will meet her there too and give her gifts despite every inner reluctance and for the sake of appearances must hug. I don't really want that and hypocrisy is the last thing I should care for. Still, I have to practice it now. Perhaps it would have been better to be completely gone for Christmas and New Year, to travel somewhere ... so that my brother could even feel my absence and, as you wrote, even feel a need to approach me again. . But now I'm back a bit as a matter of course. My mistake.
What I also do not understand why you seem to be so alone in life so far. I'm sorry that I'm touching on that now, and I'm not aware of it either, as I don't know your other posts and therefore don't know what they may reveal about you. Therefore, I can only speculate that you are either a very closed person, have come across the wrong friends / life companions, or you have had to accept severe blows of fate. But it's definitely not your nature itself, that's obvious. I just want to say, you don't believe how well I can understand you in this regard if you think that nobody really cares about you, and how bad it is when there is nobody around who loves you and who you are in In return can give his love.
Yes, that is certainly the question at all. This is exactly what I've been dealing with for a long time, of course ... It's just that I was a typical child of divorce: I was born at the end of an already badly broken marriage - that means, in fact, I never had a family or a safe home. My mother was busy with nothing else than hating my father, initiating lawsuits against him and demanding solidarity on her side from both of us little children, which literally tore us apart with feelings of guilt, because of course we also loved our dad, but it did were not allowed to. Also, my mother read all of her anger and frustration about her shattered life on us ... she was unpredictable, carrot and stick. Hugs were followed by the worst, profound devaluations, insults and blows ... pure arbitrariness, blackmail, abuse of power, constant threat of deprivation of love. From an early age I always had to feel like I was on a knife's edge, I would have loved to want to see my much dearer, calmer and more reliable papa. But he, in turn, immediately had a new wife and lived an extremely intense relationship with her (with undisguised sexuality as apparently the most important foundation) ... Her two children immediately moved into the new home that he and she had bought. Me and my brother, on the other hand, were purely a disruptive factor for this woman. And she showed it as openly as possible. I was maybe two years old when I first met this woman, but from the start she decided to hate me and want to get rid of me. She would have known right from the start that I was like my mother and a lousy character anyway - for the first time she slapped that in my face, literally. She hated me even more than my brother because I was a girl and also a lot younger, so also more in need of love than my older brother. All my childhood I was very afraid of this woman who always stared at me with hatred and often casually abused me. I would never have dared to look up. But when I was still so little I dared not look this joy in the eyes, I received the bitterest, most serious criticism from my father and deprivation of love. What I mean to say: from a very young age I have known the feeling of extreme rejection, not being allowed to belong where my home should actually be and not simply having love from my parents unconditionally and for granted, but struggling with difficulty and always over their wobbly legs to fear.
I was being abused at home by my mother getting worse and worse ... my father knew that. He brought my older brother to him when I was about 9 years old. I was left alone ... This feeling of not being as wanted as my brother, just being left defenseless in the dire situation with my mother ALONE, while my brother obviously meant more to my father and was more acceptable to his new wife ... I can't put it into words. But I still have it in me today.
When the mistreatment and abuse by my mother became more and more extreme, as she increasingly drifted into her mental illness, I fled her at the age of 13. My father took me in at first dutifully, as the situation was now a fact that I had created myself, so to speak, but he first tried to move me back to her, even though he knew what had happened to my mother. I do believe that he loved me and actually wanted a good solution for me, but his relationship with this woman (and I think it also had a lot to do with sexual dependence, because unfortunately he said things like that openly when I was still too was young) was above everything. She blackmailed him into not wanting me as a foreign body to "the other woman" in her house, that is, she or I. Therefore, my father tried everything to find somewhere else to accommodate me .... Sublet with aunts, in the boarding school (but it was too expensive) ... Since my older brother was supposed to move out too (my father's partner no longer wanted him either ) and my father wanted / had to finance an apartment for him, and when I was 13 years old, I went there too. From then on I was just alone and completely on my own. I had to move to a new school in the village because of the move and since I came out of town and was too serious, too shy through everything I had gone through, I was only marginalized and violently bullied by my classmates. My brother, on the other hand, was of course never at home, depending on his age, and when he did, he hated me as a heavy block on his leg ... Which 18-year-old high school graduate would like to have his little 13-year-old little sister as responsibility on his leg. So came a visitor and he celebrated happily with his friends, I had to stay away from them, sat lonely in my room and only heard the voices from next door ... ostracized and completely alone. Or my brother let out all his aggressions on me, insulted me - sometimes even together with his friends ... I felt so worthless and left alone, so exposed. Where should you go alone at the age of 13 in a village and without friends? I got on very well with my father himself and he was always loving when we saw each other, but I couldn't really go to him because his partner there openly showed me how undesirable I was and that I didn't belong. Also, because of her, I didn't belong to neighborhood parties, etc. I was just the disturbing foreign body ...
With all of this I want to say: I was never able to build a normal, social environment. Nothing that could give me support or involvement now. I am a stranger to my mother's family because I would have left my "poor, sick" mother without loving it ... without them wanting to know from my perspective why. And my father's family was internally disrupted even during his lifetime, or too distant. A big family - but no one has even called me once since my father died or asked if my brother and I needed help. They wanted heirlooms.
In addition, this constant rejection that I experienced from an early age has made me a deeply insecure person. On the one hand, I love people and would like to have closer contact, on the other hand, I am also very careful and always afraid of imposing myself on being actually not wanted and not good enough. I think it inevitably emerged from this that I cannot build healthy bonds .... in my need and insecurity I always draw friends to whom ultimately aren't who just take advantage of me and then let go. Likewise with men ... I've seen rejection so many times. That makes you fearful and insecure - and like in a vicious circle, that's exactly what attracts the wrong people all the more. In addition, I have such a bad self-esteem that I don't even dare to approach you aggressively when it comes to men ... a few times I easily brought myself to it and received a full broadside rejection. Which of course made my fears even bigger. The men, on the other hand, who consciously approach me, always seem to find me sexually attractive (no, I don't go into that) but are not deeply interested in me or an honest relationship. However, I had a long, very intense relationship with great love on both sides ... only in the end I was terribly betrayed and humiliated. The one time that I completely trusted someone and let myself go completely ... of all things. You can certainly imagine what this has also done for someone like me, or according to my previous history. I really WANT to love and trust again, but I just don't meet anyone for it ...
Even if it sounds hollow and empty now, I wish you from the bottom of my heart that one day you will find your way to happiness. You deserve it!
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