Can you ever justify cheating

Forgive cheating? How it continues after the affair


It literally tore the floor from under your feet that your girlfriend cheated on you. After you've digested the first shock, you now ask yourself: Can I EVER forgive her for cheating after this serious breach of trust?

Perhaps the cheating was flirting or kissing, maybe even a long affair with another man.

But either way: The loss of trust, pain, anger and jealousy sit deep after the woman's affair. You're torn between an immediate breakup and the tentative attempt to start over in the relationship.

A difficult decision ... which I will help you with now! In this article I would like to tell you whether and how you can forgive your partner for infidelity.

Forgive cheating, yes or no? My experience with cheating

First of all, I would like to tell you about my experience, how I was cheated back then and wanted to forgive my friend for her affair.

We had a (I thought at least) happy relationship of love, understanding and trust. In this partnership I wore rose-colored glasses and would never have thought of cheating in my life when excuses came up more and more often as to why she had no time for me.

After all, I trusted in her loyalty and tolerated it when she met her "best friend" Stefan or had to study for her apprenticeship ...

... until one day I got suspicious. I grabbed her cell phone and had to read the WhatsApp message that she had received from her alleged "buddy" Stefan: "Hey darling, will it be tomorrow? I love you!" Your text answer to him: "Yes, I'm looking forward to it! (Heart)".

Forgive an affair? Psychology of my emotional chaos

When I caught my partner cheating like this, I was washed away by a wave of emotions:

  • First: bewilderment, not wanting to admit it, mental paralysis
  • Then: unbridled anger, disappointment and aggression as well as a deep loss of trust
  • Torn self-esteem and self-doubt ("Wasn't I good enough for you anymore?" "Was the sex no longer good?")
  • Furious jealousy ("There is another man who is better and more attractive than me!")
  • Self-reproach ("How could I be so stupid and naive and not notice anything about the affair?" "Why did I trust this woman so blindly?")

Worst of all, though, was the thought of her having passionate sex with this guy while I sat at home unsuspecting ...

After my initial shock with grief, I got angry and started arguing bitterly with my girlfriend. How could she do that to me?

How it came to the separation from my girlfriend ...

Then I wanted to forgive her for the fling because she howled at me for how sorry she was and swore that such a slip would never happen again in our partnership.

We talked for a long time about what to do with the relationship after their brief affair - and I ended up giving her a second chance. Certainly also because I was too dependent and didn't want to lose her ...

But at some point I realized that the loss of trust after cheating was too great. I was always afraid that she would cheat on me with another man again.

Also, for me, she was simply no longer the same person as before. It was like looking behind her fake mask and seeing her real face with the infidelity ...

I couldn't take this human disappointment, constant jealousy and uncertainty anymore, so I ended the relationship in the end.

Forgive cheating or not? 6 test questions to help you make decisions

In your head the one question is constantly circling: Can you forgive an affair or is the separation now inevitable?

Of course, there cannot be a general answer, because every partnership, every fraud and breach of trust is individual.

Whether you can forgive depends entirely on the specific situation, how and why your partner has become unfaithful to you ...

... and how you both behave as a couple after the great loss of trust!

But so that the decision is not that difficult for you, I would like to give you 6 criteria as a test of what you should now think about in your relationship:

1. Forgive foreign kisses or long affairs?

First of all, it is about what your girlfriend or wife has eaten up and how serious the breach of trust was in your partnership. It's about the questions: What? How often? How long?

There are several levels of offense in cheating, for example:

  • one-time flirting or kissing
  • one-time sex as a one-night stand
  • Repeated cheating
  • permanent (long) affair

Certainly one can forgive a one-time, spontaneous affair with foreign kisses (possibly even with alcohol) rather than a carefully planned affair, where the cheating went on for a long time.

Has she cheated on you over and over again for weeks, months or even years with meticulous planning, lots of bold lies and excuses? Even repeatedly with different men? In such affairs, of course, forgiveness is next to impossible!

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2. With which man did the woman betray you?

Also important for the effects of cheating in the partnership: Has your girlfriend cheated on a man close to you? For example, brother, best friend, or anyone else you had a close relationship with?

In that case, two loved ones who you absolutely trusted have betrayed you, so to speak.

Then the breach of trust is of course much more serious than if your partner has enjoyed kissing and sex with a complete stranger. Forgiving cheating is a lot harder ...

3. In what situation did the affair happen?

Sure, alcohol is no excuse if your girlfriend is flirting with or kissing this guy at the party. Nevertheless, one or the other drink leads to stupid things simply because it obscures the senses ...

In addition, it happens especially with younger women that they want to let off steam sexually again before they commit themselves to a partner for long relationships and marriage.

These are often comparatively harmless situations at parties where you have to consider whether you can forgive this type of infidelity and trust it again.

More serious is an affair or an affair in everyday life that a mature woman with a clear head (that is, consciously and deliberately) has committed. In that case, she finally knew exactly what she was doing and how much it would hurt you!

4. Were there relationship problems between you?

Persistent dissatisfaction in the relationship often leads to people cheating. Perhaps this is more forgiving than if everything was fine ...

... and she only cheated on you with this man because she couldn't contain herself. As a grown woman, she should have learned to curb her lust if loyalty to you is more important to her than sex with another guy.

So ask yourself exactly whether there were problems in your partnership, and if so, which ones (see also below)!

5. Can she explain the fraud to you and apologize?

Even if you are infinitely angry, it is important to forgive not only to argue after cheating, but to be able to have constructive conversations in the relationship.

You should listen carefully to your girlfriend and answer the following questions for yourself:

  • Is she ready to talk openly about the affair that happened there?
  • Can she explain the slip up credibly?
  • Does she regret cheating on you and does she admit her own mistakes?
  • Is there a credible remorse and apology coming from her that warrants renewed trust?
  • Is she even interested in continuing the partnership or does she have feelings for the other man (especially when having a long affair)?
  • Does she want to talk openly about possible relationship problems between you and work on them together with you?
  • Can she credibly assure you that fraud will never happen again and that she will be loyal in the future?

If these conditions are met, there are good conditions to forgive her for cheating.

However, if she remains silent, blames you, or even blames her for her own infidelity, it is better to break up today than tomorrow.

6. Can YOU ever forgive / trust her again?

The question is also how easy it is for YOU personally after their infidelity to process your anger in this situation and to regain trust in the partnership.

It could be that she has crossed a red line in view of your morals and values ​​of loyalty, which you can under NO circumstances tolerate. Then be consistent and part with her!

Or maybe you are a man who generally tends to be jealous in relationships because you have been cheated on in the past or have had other bad experiences (which can go back to childhood).

If you are constantly jealous / suspicious after starting over, check your girlfriend's WhatsApp messages and secretly follow her when she just goes shopping ...

... then you are doing both of you a disservice. In that case, it is better to end the relationship than to continue hurting each other.

How long does it take to forgive an affair?

Sure, her infidelity has hurt you extremely and the breach of trust has drawn deep rifts between you. Such wounds don't heal overnight.

How quickly you can forgive the affair depends on various factors:

  • How often, how long and under what circumstances did the woman cheat on you?
  • How long do you need to process the shock and your anger?
  • Have the reasons for cheating been completely cleared up through joint conversations or do you have the feeling that she is still hiding something from you?
  • Could she credibly assure you that such a misstep will no longer occur?
  • How long do you need to regain complete trust in the woman?
  • Is your girlfriend willing to talk openly about problems at any time on the way to normalizing the relationship?
  • Does it give you renewed cause for distrust and jealousy?
  • Do you still have to struggle with other disappointments and problems in life / in your partnership?
  • Do you have other people you trust in your environment with whom you can talk about the matter?

In any case, give both of you time to repair the break and don't put yourself under pressure!

You have to fight for it together and work your way step by step in order to put the partnership back on a healthy basis of trust.

How can you forgive cheating as a man?

Many men then ask me how to forgive an affair and build new trust in order to continue the relationship. Well, this requires 3 crucial steps:

1. Work up reasons for their infidelity

First of all, you should jointly create an understanding of WHY the woman cheated on. This means that you have to explore the reasons in conversation, how it could come to their misstep (contrary to your agreement of loyalty).

However, this is not about one-sided accusation! Because if the affair didn't happen out of an (alcohol) whim, there were sure to be relationship problems in which you both played your part.

Of course, this is not an excuse for cheating once or for a sex affair, but an explanation of how it got this far.

Ask yourself what went wrong in your relationship, for example:

  • Was the sex no longer satisfactory?
  • Was there too much routine, boredom and monotony in everyday life?
  • Have you often argued, and if so, about what?
  • Has someone neglected the other / had too little time or, conversely, left too little space?
  • Have you grown apart and alienated in general, so that trust has been lost?
  • Were there mutual insults and injuries?
  • In the end, were you still the strong man she wants as a woman?
  • Did she have her own problems outside of the partnership that she couldn't talk to you about?

You should explain everything ruthlessly, without mincing your words! Only through maximum honesty can you move all the stones out of the way in order to forgive each other and start a new beginning.

2. Determine changes in the relationship

In the next step, you should clearly define what you want to change in your relationship. For example: spending more time together and talking, having better sex or starting activities that make you tingle again.

Because it is completely logical:

If you continue as you did before or during the cheating, at least one of you will continue to be dissatisfied. Then the risk is high that there will be another affair with foreign kisses or an affair.

Only through a consistent change in everyday life can you become happy again together and gradually build up new trust in one another in the partnership.

3. Know when a separation is necessary!

You should only dare to start over if you really still love your girlfriend, can continue to trust her and can forgive the affair.

If the argument continues in your relationship, you have become irreversibly estranged from one another, and distrust prevails, then the separation is inevitable.

Then, as a man, be so consistent to draw a line! This is the only way to save yourself a lot more grief and pain in the end.

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