Why do I like to be dominated?

Mom blog -

64 percent of women dream of being sexually dominated - in their imaginations. Image: Raisa Durandi

I describe myself as a feminist and see myself as a strong, independent woman. But I always have exciting fantasies in which I am tied up and tortured as a slave. That's shocking. How does it come from a scientific point of view that I have these thoughts? What can I do against it?

Many of us know this. Suddenly an image, a sexual fantasy creeps into our daydreaming thoughts, or we are exposed to a situation that unexpectedly arouses us sexually. After the excitement, the awakening is sometimes coupled with a guilty conscience - and the questions about the normality of these fantasies, what they mean and whether others feel the same way.

Fantasies are healthy

But I can reassure you that, with the exception of a small minority, we all have sexual fantasies, and it is even healthy to have them. According to studies, women who often dive into a sexual dream world also seem to be more satisfied with their sex life. But what is more important: there are no limits to the imagination, and that's a good thing.

But what are common scenarios women dream of, and which are unusual or rare? A team of researchers from Canada recently addressed these questions. Sex in an unusual place, sex with a stranger, sex in public as well as participating in a threesome or sex orgies were among the most frequently mentioned fantasies among the 718 women surveyed - closely followed by the desire to be dominated (around 64 percent) . In this context, many women often report rape fantasies, which are sometimes already present as adolescents.

Fantasy and reality are two different things

Like yourself, many women today are financially independent, ambitious and take what they want and can. This seems to contradict these desires of submission, loss of control and incapacity to act. But only apparently. Because in their minds, women still have control over who takes them and how. She likes to be overwhelmed by concentrated masculinity, because she can get out of this idea at any time. In reality, however, a woman does not have this control. So fantasy and reality are two different things, and that has nothing to do with a real wish.

According to the study, around half of the women with submission fantasies stated that in reality they never wanted to act out this fantasy. It is still not clear why so many women dream of submission. Psychologist Cindy Meston discovered that the circuits of panic and sexual arousal are linked in the brain. According to this, scenes of rape would trigger fear and thus in turn increase pleasure, which can lead to a so-called transfer of excitement. So surrender to your fantasies calmly and without a guilty conscience. In reality we are already restricted enough, and a mental excursion like this can be very refreshing.

Sexologist Andrea Burri answers a reader question on the subject of sexuality and love on Fridays. This will be treated confidentially and published without naming any name. Write to us at [email protected]

After studying clinical psychology at the University of Zurich, Andrea Burri conducted research in England at King’s College and in Turku, Finland. Since July she has been an assistant professor at the Auckland University of Technology in New Zealand.